(But this is what I do.)
Gotta go back to work tomorrow. All I did today was sleep. I'm still not feeling great, but I've just got to make it happen.
The way I usually make it happen is that I realize if I don't do it, it's not going to get done. Like, for instance, when I purchased the 4 drawer filing cabinet and had it delivered to my house. And they delivered it to my porch. And I was like "Hey, can you put it in my room?" (at the opposite end of the house) and they were like "No." and so then I had to find a way to make it happen. Or have a filing cabinet on my front porch that I guess would rust the first time it rained and totally waste my money. And messing with my money is like messing with my emotions. So...I made it happen.
I know I need to temper the whole "If I don't do it, it won't get done" philosophy because it is impacting the way I think and live and work. They like team-building and such where I work and me wanting to do everything myself won't fly. Me making other people do what I think should be done does fly. But I feel like so much time is wasted in the convincing people to do something. I feel like...they should just want to do it, if it's a good idea, maybe they should've thought about it themselves already. I'm willing to call over my shoulder "Hey, I'm going to go do this now" as I'm on my way to do it, but I get the feeling that's not enough.
I also understand that this way of thinking will probably keep me from ever having a romantic relationship again. I mean maybe not, who knows? And it's not that I am concerned about it. The thought of a "relationship" makes my stomach queasy. Not in the good butterflies anticipating way but in the like...the way after eating a really bad meal at...say, Applebees (note to self: rule out possible Applebee's blog monetization.) and then the server comes over and offers you really gross Applebee's dessert. That's the feeling the idea of dating gives me.
And I look at my life as it is and try to imagine someone who would volunteer for a position in it. I can't imagine that person. There are a whole lot of kids here, a whole lot of work to be done. And I can do it. It'd be cool if there were someone to rely on for part of it...but as hard as I try to imagine what that would even look like, it doesn't materialize.
I bought some spanx the other day for the first time. I get it. I'm a curvy lady. I get asked when I'm due when I'm not pregnant. (That makes me want to murder you on the spot, so stop asking.) I put them on and I guess they reshaped my tummy and hips but wherever they pushed that stuff, it feels like a bunch of other stuff was displaced which displaced other stuff until it felt like my brains were going to pop out the top of my head.
So then, it's like, can't I just be who I am? Can't I just look like a lady who has been pregnant or nursing since January 2007 (I have) and who has 4 kids? But then I also look at the SHEER WILLPOWER I have and all of the things I've made happen because of it and it seems like having a "beach ready body" or whatever should probably be an easy task to accomplish, what with the whole "build a career and place to live out of absolutely nothing" task I undertook last year. Or the whole "go through pregnancy and labor all by yourself" challenge. It seems like looking hot would be an easy win.
But like...I don't know if I want to have to do that. Because the idea that someone might withhold from me...friendship, romance, a promotion at work...better customer service at Wal Mart...the idea that anyone would withhold anything from me because I am imperfect, not Photoshopped, airbrushed or Atkinsed...makes me not want the thing they could have given me.
Is this an intellectual way of being lazy? Perhaps. All I know is that after a long day of making miracles happen (Hey, you try getting 4 kids where they need to go every morning, going to work, retrieving said kids and then getting dinner, baths, homework and bedtime stories done all day every day alone and by 9 p.m.) the last thing I want to add to that is an hour on a treadmill. I am working. A lot. But, as the lovely Margaret Cho said, being 10 pounds lighter is a full time job and I don't have time for it. And I don't. Because I'm working like three full time jobs alone as it is.
I just want to be good with who I am. And I think I am. I think I'm putting it together, tiny pieces at a time.
I think I'm gonna return the spanx.
Quote of the day: Abbey: (filling her backpack for school.) "Mom, I'm taking Brobee." (She has a giant stuffed Brobee (from Yo Gabba Gabba. Awesome show.)
Me: "No, you can't take Brobee. I don't even think he'll fit in your backpack."
Abbey: (looks around room, her eyes land on her piggy bank) "How about this pig?"
Me: "I don't think so."
Abbey: "You sure?"
Me: "Yeah. Besides. That's not what you take to school. You take your folder and paper and a pencil."
Abbey: "I wanna pencil."
Me: "OK, I'll get you a pencil."
Abbey: "I need a lot of pencils."
Me: "I'll see what I can do."
Abbey: "Heeeeee."
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